Chapter 26

1967. A new year already, and things were still changing. March was to be Paul and my 2nd year anniversary, I was going to be 22, and Paul would be 25. This was a year full of surprises and events, but I’ll start at the beginning of it all……

It was early spring and the weather was beginning to get nice. Paul and I had celebrated our anniversary by having a candlelit dinner, (among other things), at the farm. It was nice to be away from it all, but like anything else in this world, it always has to end sometime.
Paul was in the living room playing on his guitar, jotting down little nothings that would one day be ‘something’, and I was in the kitchen looking around for some food. Paul and I had a couple of housekeepers, the Kelly’s, who would shop (groceries and such) for us as well as clean the house. I had shopped for us a couple of times on my own, but for the most part it was the Kelly’s. I was now known to fans around the world, because Paul and I were considered one the big couples, so it would be hard now to go out shopping without having to wear an elaborate disguise. The more I’ve been with Paul, the more hostile the fans have become. Back to the Kelly’s….I think I had only seen Mrs. Kelly once or twice, but never the Mr. However, the house was a bit empty because Paul had fired the couple last week. According to Paul, there were many disagreements on how he wanted the household run, not to mention, they wrote an article on Paul’s home life for an Australian magazine, drawing the last line for Paul. We were searching around for a new couple, but at the moment, we just had ourselves.
“Hey, Paul, we need to go shopping,” I said to Paul leaving the kitchen empty handed. He looked up from his work.
“What kind of shopping?” he asked me. I walked up to him and he set down his guitar.
“Food shopping. We don’t have much,” I said as he pulled me onto his lap.
“What time is it?” he asked, looking down at his watch, “noon already?” he answered himself.
“Yeah, why?”
“I’ve been so busy, I forgot to eat breakfast!” he said laughing. I smiled. He was like that. He’d forget to eat many a meals, just because he’d be too involved with something else.
“Well, there’s not much for lunch,” I told him. He nodded.
“Yes, I’m working on finding new housekeepers. I think I have some in mind,”
“Oh really, what are their names?”
“Mr. and Mrs. Mills,” he said chuckling to himself.
“Why is that funny?”
“Oh nothing really; just wondering if she’ll give me a tune, you know, like the pianist, Mrs. Mills,” I nodded in understanding
“I get it now,” I said as there was a knock on the door, “Is John coming over again or something?” I asked Paul. By the confused look on his face, I gathered he wasn’t.
“No, not today. Not that I know of anyway,” he said. He patted me on the bum, “Wanna get if for me?” he asked smiling.
“Sure,” I told him standing up and leaving the room. I walked to the door and opened it. Standing at about 5 ft. 2” was a Japanese woman, her hair covering everything but her eyes.
“Is Paul McCartney here?” she asked me in a high squeaky little voice.
“Who’s asking?” I asked her. Paul told me that if I was to ever answer the door and not known the person, I was supposed to ask there name, and then check in with him. It seemed silly to me, when he was home, that he wouldn’t just answer the door and check it out himself. Nevertheless, I did as he wanted.
“Yoko Ono. He knows me,” she told me. Confused, because I had never heard of a ‘Yoko Ono’, I turned to look behind me, then back at Yoko.
“Hold on, I’ll go see if he’s here,” I said in case she was a crazed fan and I would have to let her go. I shut the door on her, feeling bad for doing it, and walked back into the living room where Paul was once again, strumming away. He looked up at me.
“Who was it?” he asked smiling lovingly. His smile to this day, still made me melt inside every time he did it.
“Um, she said her name was Yoko Ono? She also said you knew who she was,” I told him. He thought for a moment.
“Ah yes, I know who she is. Well, I’ve seen her work anyway,” he said getting up and setting his guitar down. He left the room and I heard him open the door saying hello to Yoko. I crept to the wall right beside the entry way and tried to listen in on the conversation, still not sure of whom this little Japanese lady of about 35 yrs of age was. Paul had never mentioned anything about her to me. I couldn’t make out her words, because she spoke so soft and high, but I could make out a few of Paul’s. He started off with a bunch of polite no’s, and then began to get harsher (although desperately still trying to be polite). After about 5 or 10 minutes, he returned back into the room and I jumped back a little from the hallway. He smiled at me.
“Were you eavesdropping?” he asked me. I looked at him innocently.
“No, of course not. I’m not a spy,” I said. He walked over to me and kissed my forehead.
“Oh, so you’re a liar then,” he said nodding, eyebrows raised. I laughed.
“Oh fine, I was listening in. I just wanted to know who she is. I’ve never seen her nor heard you talk about her,” I said to Paul. He shook his head as he led me over to sit next to him on the couch.
“That’s because I’m not really a fan, she’s pretty whacked out,” he said.
“What do you mean ‘whacked out’? Like on drugs?”
“She could be on drugs, it would explain a lot. I’ve only seen her once; she’s some free form artist of some sort. I enjoy those kinds of things, so I went to her with Brian once, hearing that she was unique. That she was, but I wasn’t a fan.” He said making a disgusted face.
“Why what did she do?” I asked him, still curious to the creepy woman.
“A lot of rubbish. That’s what. She does crazy things you know, for instance, one thing she did was sit in a big white bag for about 10 minutes. Then she would come out and start cutting her hair making this insanely horrible racket. Screaming high pitched, and all, you know? Just rubbish. Then, as a nice finale, she stripped naked, tits hanging and everything. It was insane.” He said.
“You saw her naked?” I said, saying the only thing that stuck out at me. He laughed.
“Yes,”
“You didn’t tell me you saw another woman naked,” I said frowning slightly.
“Come ‘ed Liv’, I didn’t know it was going to happen. She just did it, trust me, I’d rather she didn’t, you know. It wasn’t that nice of a sight, not at all really,” he said.
“So if it would have been a nice sight, you wouldn’t mind? Is that what you’re saying?” I asked taking it the wrong way. Paul looked sadly at me and pulled me closer to him. He rested his forehead on mine, noses touching, eyes and lips only centimeters apart. His stare was mesmerizing.
“Oh, darling, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I would prefer not to see any woman naked—save for you of course. But it’s free form, its art, that stuff happens you know,”
“I suppose, but I just don’t like knowing you saw her naked,” I whined. He smiled and kissed my lips lightly.
“Ah, she’s the only other one besides you that I’ve seen in the last 4 years--and I didn’t even know it was coming, nor enjoyed it. That ought to count for something,” he said.
“Yeah, it does. You’ve been a very good boy,” I said laughing. He smiled.
“Oh, of course I have! I wouldn’t do anything like that to you. I wouldn’t want to hurt you, nor lose you. You know that. I don’t have that desire anymore. Just with you, my love,” he said laughing. I laughed.
“Good, and keep it that way,” I said kidding around with him.
“Oh it will be that way forever, trust me,” he said kissing me quickly. I laughed and scrunched my nose.
“What? You don’t like my kisses anymore?” he asked.
“It’s not that, I love your kisses,” I said making him smile, “I’m just not completely used to kissing a man with a mustache. It tickles my lips,”
“Oh, I see. Sorry about that, love,” he said laughing.
“No problem, I still love you,” I smiled and he winked at me.
“Love you too Liv’,”
“So what did she want with you?”
“Yoko?” he asked.
“No,” I replied. He looked at me confused and I laughed, “Of course Yoko, who else were we talking about?” He rolled his eyes.
“Don’t get smart with me lassie. Or you’ll pay,” he said laughing. I giggled.
“Well, pay attention to the conversation then, will ya?” I asked.
“I was, I just forgot, you know, that’s all,”
“Okay, I forgive you.”
“Thanks”
“So what did she want then?”
“She wanted manuscripts of John and my songs,” he answered.
“Manuscripts? For what?”
“I don’t know exactly. She said she had a friend that collects them or something like that, so she wanted some of ours,”
“What did you tell her?”
“I said no, but she kept persisting. I continued to tell her no, and even if I had said yes, I didn’t have any to give. They are all in the studio or with Brian,”
“Oh, weird. She was kinda creepy, I thought,” I said shuttering a bit, remembering her.
“Yes, she is creepy,” Paul nodded, “But enough of her, wanna go get something to eat?”
“Um hmm,”
“Alright, come ‘ed,” he said standing up and pulling me up with him. He grabbed his usual disguise, although, he no longer had to wear the fake mustache. He had one of his own. I grabbed my hat and sunglasses.
“Where are we going?” I asked him.
“How bout a picnic?”
“A picnic?”
“Yeah, the snow is all gone and the sun is shining. We’ll take Martha, go down the street and grab some sandwiches, then head to Regents Park for a picnic,” he explained.
“You know? That sounds really nice,”
“Terrific,” he smiled, “Martha! Martha girl, come ‘ed!” he yelled and in no time Martha was with us at the door. Paul had had her since she was a pup, so she was trained to not run away from him. In fact, I don’t think she’d want to, she loved him. We headed out and had our picnic, and had a blast. We laughed and talked like we always did, then just laid together on the blanket watching Martha run after bugs and motionless sticks. We arrived home about two in the afternoon, and just hung out doing odds and ends for the rest of the day.

The next time there was a knock at the door was around 9pm.
“Who is it now?” Paul asked, more to himself than to me. We were in the ‘entertainment area’ watching a movie on TV.
“Do I have to get it again?” I asked, looking up at him. Paul laughed. He leaned over and put on his shirt, not buttoning it. Previously, he had gotten warm and taken it off, but incase it was a fan; he covered his shoulders up a bit.
“No, I’ll get it,” he said scuffing my hair a bit and getting up. I laughed and we heard the knock again, “Hold on, hold on,” Paul muttered to himself. In minutes I heard the familiar voice of John Lennon.
“Hey Macca, what you up to?” I heard him ask.
“Hey Lennon, just watching a movie with Olivia, yourself?” Paul asked as the two of them walked in the room.
“Hey Olivia,” he said to me.
“Hi John,”
“The Rolling Stones are in town and they’re having a party, about twenty minutes from here. George and Ringo are already there, I was just coming to see if you wanted to join,” John said sitting on the sofa, and giving me a side glance. He wasn’t too keen that Paul had begun to stop going to parties, and he figured it was my fault. I ignored him and Paul sat next to me again.
“The Rolling Stones are here aye?”
“Yeah,” John said, then smiled, “Nice outfit Olivia,”
“Thanks, I like it too,” I said sneering at John as he laughed, joined by Paul. I was wearing this little pink fuzzy robe Paul had got me for my birthday with matching fuzzy slippers.
“Got nice little pink pjs under there too, or are you nak-?” John started but was cut off rather harshly by Paul. I turned to look at him and I could read anger brewing in his face.
“John!” Paul said firmly. John held up his hands in protest,
“Ah, Macca, I was only joking,”
“Yes, well, I don’t like that ‘joking’,” Paul said still glaring at John. I tried to ease the tension.
“So, a Rolling Stones party huh?” I asked John and he nodded, breaking away from Paul’s icy stare.
“Yep, that’s right. It’ll be right grand. You coming then?” he asked turning back to Paul. Paul’s face softened and he shrugged. I could tell he wanted to. He hadn’t been to one in quite a while, in fact, it was incredibly strange that he had no idea the Rolling Stones were here or that they were having a party. He was usually the first to know, just like the other Beatles, “Olivia, how about you?” John asked being facetious, thinking I would of course say no.
“Sure, if you let me change,” I replied, shocking the both of them. John’s eyebrows went up and Paul turned to look at me.
“You want to go?” he asked. I looked at him and shrugged.
“Yeah, why not? We haven’t been to one for a while,” I told him.
“As long as you are sure. We can stay here you know…” I smiled and kissed him quick.
“I know, and I want to go—really. I’m going to go change,” I said standing up.
“Change? What for? That’s a nice party outfit. Easy for Paul to get your clothes off then,” John said snickering and looking at Paul who surprisingly grinned devilishly. I rolled my eyes.
“I don’t think so,” I said and Paul pouted. I shook my head laughing and left the room to head up stairs. I went through my closet and pulled out my old Bleeding Hearts outfit. I had seen them perform since then and their outfits have changed, so it was a normal dress now. I figured it was appropriate for a party. Sexy yet simple. I fixed my makeup only a little and spiced up my hair. After spraying perfume, I headed back down stairs and John whistled at me. I laughed.
“Hey now John,” Paul warned softly. John turned back to him.
“Oh cool it, it was a bit of a joke,” he said, still not seeming to get that Paul didn’t appreciate John making such comments to me, joking or not. Paul raised one of his eyebrows obviously not believing John. He walked over to me helping me down the stairs, although I didn’t really need it. He was just being a gentleman.
“You do look smashing love,” he smiled looking me over and I kissed him, “I like that little heart….always have,” he whispered, lightly pointing to the open heart shaped hole on my chest.
“Why thank you,” I whispered back and he grinned. He grabbed my coat and put in on for me and we headed out to John’s psychedelic colored Rolls Rice. We drove to the party, and there were already people passing out in the front lawn of the large rented house.
“Are you sure this is alright?” Paul whispered to me as we walked in the crowded place. I smiled.
“Positive,” I answered just as some girl approached us.
“Hi Paul, I’m Sara,” she said rather seductively. Paul smiled giving off his charm.
“Hi there Sara, nice to meet you. This is me girlfriend, Olivia,” he said motioning his free hand towards me. She smiled nicely and then left. We walked further in and sat on a couch with John and the others.
“Hi George, hi Ringo,” I said to them. They both smiled.
“Hey Olivia, long time no see,” Ringo said cheerfully. I laughed.
“No kidding,” I said.
“You thirsty love?” Paul asked me, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, freshly lit.
“Yeah actually I am,” I said and he smiled.
“What do you want me to get you, then?”
“What are you getting?” I asked him.
“A Scotch and Coke. You can share with me if you’d like,” he said and for some reason that sounded appealing…I was 22 now.
“Alright, that’s sounds good,” I told him. He smiled obviously surprised.
“You got it, babe,” he winked, “I’ll be right back,” he said getting up from the couch and making his way away from us.
“Ooo, Olivia’s drinking alcohol,” John said making fun of me, “Better put that one in the scrapbook!” he snickered joined by George and Ringo. I rolled my eyes.
“Ah, sod off John,” I told him and he grinned.
“I suppose you are old enough now,” I nodded.
“Yes--I am, and I never said I was never going to drink. I’m just not going to drink for the purpose of getting drunk nor was I about to drink underage. That’s all,” I told him and he laughed nodding his head, “So where’s Pattie, Cyn, and Maureen?” I asked them.
“Pattie’s around here somewhere,” George said looking around, “I should probably go find her. It was nice to see you Olivia, but I’m sure I’ll see you later,” He smiled, got up and disappeared. In the back of my mind, I always felt that he may still feel strange around me….I mean I did leave him for his best friend and all. That must have been devastating. I was beginning to put myself in a depressing mood, but Ringo, thankfully snapped me out of it.
“Maureen is home with Zac,” Ringo said and I nodded. I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but Ringo had married Maureen and Zac was there first son. That left Paul and I the only unmarried couple of the group.
“And where’s Cyn?” I asked.
“With Julian,” John replied, “This isn’t really her thing any way,” he said taking a drag of his joint.
“I see,” I said as Paul returned with his drink. He took a sip from the bottle and handed it to me as he sat down. I took a drink, feeling the sting of alcohol in my throat. I handed it back.
“Like it?” he asked. I shrugged.
“It’s not bad,” I said and he smiled taking another drink. It wasn’t long before another girl arrived next to Paul. I rolled my eyes with frustration and John smiled at me.
“How are you doing?” she asked him.
“Fine, yourself?” he asked taking a joint from John. Here we go….
“Better now that I spotted you,” she said running her fingers down his shoulder. He laughed.
“Sorry, I don’t believe you’ve met my girlfriend, Olivia,” he said. She looked around him and at me. I smiled.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi, how are you?” she asked me and I was surprised. Normally the girls left, but not her. John continued to watch amused. Ringo moseyed out of our group going off to dance most likely.
“Fine thanks,” I said. She smiled and continued to touch Paul. He scooted away from her and closer to me.
“No thanks,” he told her.
“Fine, we’ll just talk,” she said.
“Alright,” he responded and then it was silent between the two of them. The night continued on and Paul was high along with John, giggling at things clearly unknown to me. I sighed wishing I wouldn’t have come. I should have known, if he was here with John, he was going to smoke pot—and it never really took long for that to happen. The girl, whose name turned out to be Amy, continued to hang around Paul, making me more jealous and agitated.
“Do you two want to go in the other room?” she asked Paul, then looking at me.
“Us two?” Paul asked, moving his finger between the two of us. He was already on his second joint.
“Yes, have you ever heard of Ménage Twa?” she asked touching him again. I was about having enough of her and her touching Paul.
“You wanna have a three some?” Paul asked still surprised.
“Sure, it will be fun,” she said. I raised my eyebrows.
“Um, no, sorry, I don’t that,” I said getting annoyed. She shrugged.
“Suit yourself, it’ll just have to be Paul and I then,” she said standing up and pulling on Paul. He stared up at her and I wondered what exactly he was thinking. I frowned.
“I’m going to have to agree with Olivia,” Paul said.
“Well, how you could you now? She said she doesn’t do three somes….this is just you and I,” she leaning close to his face as he just looked at her. I leaned over and put my head in between them, and she pulled back surprised. Paul even took shock to it.
“Um, are you deaf or something? He said no, and, do you really think you should be doing all this when he clearly told you he had a girlfriend—not to mention I’m sitting right here?” I asked her harshly. She looked snottly to me.
“I asked if you wanted to join—I thought he was into that,” she informed me. I grunted and Paul looked to me than back to her.
“Well, you were misinformed. I’m not into that, and before Olivia here began talking, I was going to tell you no anyway,” Paul said cheering my spirits up a little, “You’re nice to talk to, but I’m not interested in you like that. Sorry,” he apologized. Her nice charm suddenly disappeared as a stone cold face appeared.
“You’re loss, I could’ve given you a lot,” she said. Paul smiled.
“Got it right here thanks,” he said putting his arm around me and I smiled. Amy rolled her eyes and was gone.
“Nice restraint Paul,” John said.
“Well, I didn’t want her. I don’t want anyone but my Olivia,” he said turning to me, “We can still use that room if you want, you know…” he said. I laughed, knowing that was coming sometime.
“Maybe later,” I said, taking a sip of Scotch and Coke.
“I’m keeping you to that,” he said sucking in another drag.
“Alright,” I said thinking he would forget. The night continued, and Paul giving John the rest of his joint, left to get another drink not returning. I stretched my neck out trying to find him, and saw him chatting it up with 3 girls, once again, all touching his arm or hand. I just sat there feeling completely shut out. If only I could be like everyone else, these parties wouldn’t be so bad. But I wasn’t. I was a little goody two-shoes, never does anything wrong. Therefore, in the end, it made me feel like a fool for even coming to these things and more or less not enjoy myself.
“Having a bad night love?” John asked. I turned to face him. I shrugged.
“I don’t know. I’m just sick of all these girls on Paul,” I answered him and he smiled genuinely.
“Ah, Liv’ you know he doesn’t enjoy it—he’s just being friendly. I know the bloke bloody loves you, in fact, it’s right annoying. I have to listen to him talk about you all the time when you’re not around. It’s all Olivia and music with him,” he said taking a drag and I smiled. That I didn’t really know. As if it was instinct, I looked back over to Paul, and he was not only surrounded by the three girls, but also by Keith Richards and a few other guys I didn’t recognize. George and Ringo were no longer in sight and John, now, was chatting up some girl. Everyone had someone but me. Fed up I leaned over and tapped John on the shoulder. He turned.
“Yes, Olivia,” he said looking around, “What can I help ye with?” he said and the girl must have thought we came together or something, because she looked disgustedly at John and left. John watched her leave.
“Uh, sorry John. I didn’t mean t-” I started, but John laughed.
“Cor, don’t worry about it! You’re much prettier than she is anyway,” he said raising his eyebrows up and down and smirking. I shook my head and laughed. Good thing Paul wasn’t here…..
“Well, I was wondering,” I said hesitantly, “Can I have that?”
“Have what?” he asked.
“That,” I said, pointing at John’s hand.
“What this?” John asked holding up his joint. I nodded.
“Yes, can I have that,” I said again not really knowing what I was doing. All I knew was that I was sick of being little miss goody goody and being left out of everything. I had always thought Paul secretly wished I were more like him, so tonight I would be. John laughed.
“Funny Olivia,” he said laughing. I shook my head not smiling.
“I’m not kidding John, I wanna try it,” I said, “I’ve been around you guys with it for 4 years now, and I finally want to try it,” I said. John’s smile faded.
“You’re serious luv, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Have you smoked anything before? Cigarettes?” he asked. I shook my head.
“No nothing,” I told him. He nodded and moved to the edge of his seat, so he was closer to me. I did the same.
“Alright,” he said pulling a fresh joint out of his pocket. He lit it, “This is what you got to do,” I watched him as he inhaled it slowly, then blowing it out, “Did you get that?” he asked me. It seemed easy enough.
“I think so,” I said as he handed it to me.
“Okay, just do it real slow. That way you get more effect,” I nodded, “You will be affected pretty quick anyway, because it’s your first time, but this makes it even more so,” he said. I swallowed as I stared at the little rolled cigarette looking thing in my hand. I thought twice about doing it, and put it up to my mouth as John instructed. I inhaled it and immediately began coughing, tears watering my eyes. John smiled.
“Oh my gosh,” I said through coughs.
“Yeah, you’ll do that a couple more times, then you’ll be used to it,” he said. I blinked a few times and inhaled once more, again having a fit of coughs. However John was right, and in about the fourth puff, I wasn’t coughing any longer. I could feel the smoke going all the way down to my lungs, and it felt strange. To be bluntly honest, it burned like hell all the way down my throat. Almost so much I couldn’t take it, but as sad as it was, I was giving in to all pressure and dealt with the pain. I could already feel a little addicting feeling as I smoked my very first joint. The feeling of pain really didn’t register as much as I just wanted to continue smoking. It’s like when you are holding a drink and you aren’t necessarily thirsty. But it’s there in your hand and you become addicted to just continually taking little sips till before you know it, it’s gone. That’s the way it was. Before I knew it, I was done with the joint John gave me and on to the second. By this time, I was really starting to feel the affects. The room around me seemed to swirl every so often and the people dancing looked completely hilarious. I was giggly, laughing mostly at myself. I was having a jolly old time---until Paul returned. He had a pretty high tolerance to pot, and it had been an hour or so since I last spoke to him. If he hadn’t smoked dope sine then, he’d be pretty much back to being sober. I was giggling to myself when he returned.
“Olivia what are you laughing at?” he asked grinning because it was obvious I was having fun.
“Oh don’t mind her, she’s high off her knockers,” John said and the word knockers sent me into another fit. Paul laughed.
“Funny Lennon,” he said nodding. I looked up at him.
“He’s not kidding,” I said calming down a bit and holding up the joint. Paul, frowning immediately, took it from my hand and put it out.
“Olivia Autumn Newton what are you doing!?” he said rather loudly. I covered my ears because it sounded about ten times louder.
“Ah, Paul, don’t yell, it hurts my ears,” I complained.
“Bloody hell, how many has she had?” Paul asked John, and although I was high I knew he was clearly angry.
“That was her second,” he replied.
“How could you let her do this?!”
“She asked me for it,” John said shrugging. Paul looked at me.
“You wanted this?” I nodded and stood up in front of Paul, but fell right back down because it was too fast for me and everything was still spinning. Paul moved so he stood almost directly in front of me— towering over me, “How come?” he asked and I began laughing.
“Come?” I said giggling, John joining me. Paul shook his head.
“John I need to borrow your car,” he said.
“Why?” John asked, as he stopped laughing.
“Because I’m taking Olivia home,” Paul replied firmly.
“What? Paulie I don’t want to go home, I’m having too much fun,” I whined putting my fingers through his belt loops, and moving him closer so his crotch was pretty much in my face, “Let’s go into the other room,” I said running my finger down the middle of his pants. Although it was obvious he was enjoying it, he moved them away.
“No, not now. I’m disappointed in you, we’re leaving,” he said, the angry tone still clear in his voice. I was completely baffled. I stood up and again almost toppled over, but Paul caught me holding me against him so I could balance.
“Disappointed? You’re disappointed?” I asked.
“Yes, very,” he replied.
“Why?”
“Why do you think? You’re smoking pot!”
“So?,” I said getting angry from the effects of the marijuana, “You always smoke pot and I’m disappointed every time you do it! You know that, but you still continue as if I don’t exist! So, why does my ONE time disappoint YOU!?” I yelled back at him and he seemed taken back. He also seemed a bit hurt, but yet angry.
“Cor, Olivia! I don’t bloody smoke it just to spite you! I’m trying to quit!” he yelled anger and hurt flashing in his eyes. He continued, “I know I have bloody bad habits that you don’t like, but I’m trying! I really am! I’ve never tried to change anything for any girl, but you! So stop making it sound that I do it on purpose, in order to hurt you!” he yelled anger flashing again as he shook his head, “Telling me I act as if you don’t exist—that’s a load of rubbish! Your making me out to be a big piece of shit! That’s what you’re saying! Cor, do you not know that I love you?! Don’t you think I already know that I’m a pile of shit and that I hurt you?!” he yelled back, and this time it was my turn to be surprised. As he stared at me, I could see his eyes somewhat glassing over with tears, and I immediately regretted saying everything I did—it clearly hurt him and I didn’t mean it the way he thought I did.
“Paul, I wasn’t saying you were a piece of shit,” I said trying to be sober, although I was clearly not. Paul rolled his eyes and grunted.
“Like hell you weren’t. Why else would you say it?” he asked frowning.
“Because I was angry. I didn’t mean it. I promise,”
“Well, it bloody crushed me and I find it hard to believe that you, of all people, would say something that would hurt someone terribly—if you didn’t mean it,” he said, calming down a bit, but still angry.
“What do you mean me of all people?”
“Just what I said. Anybody who was angry would just lash out and hurt the other person no matter if they mean what they say or not. But I never, ever, pictured you for being that type of person. You’re always so honest and pure. That’s why I’m so disappointed in you,” he said and laughed a little, “Cor, Olivia, you’re like my bloody role model—and here you are, doing something completely against your morals. You’re not yourself tonight,” he said. There were a few people watching us by this time, but I didn’t care.
“I’m sick of being left out of everything,” I blurted.
“What?” he asked surprised. I looked off to the side as to keep myself from crying.
“I’m sick of being left out of everything.” I repeated looking back at him.
“That’s why you did this? Because you felt left out?” he asked me, seeming a bit sad now.
“I’m sick of being left out of everything,” I repeated.
“You already said that!” John cried out with laughter. I could see him over Paul’s shoulder and began giggling myself, still on the effect of pot. Paul turned his body around, still holding onto me.
“Put a can on it John!” he yelled and John immediately stopped. Paul turned back to me, “Is that really why?” he asked me again.
“Yes. You were off talking to all those girls and guys and John had someone, and George and Ringo had people, and I always have no one. I’m sick of being a goody goody, and having nothing. I couldn’t understand why you were angry with me because I was doing it thinking I would be closer to you….so I got angry. I swear, I didn’t mean any of it,” I told him. He shook his head softly and ran his hand slowly up my back and neck, resting underneath my chin. I had chills go down my spine.
“Don’t worry about what you said, love, I understand, you’re on to effects of drugs,” he assured me, “But, sweetheart, you have to know I love you just the way you are. I wish I was like you. The way you control yourself against things that you don’t believe are right, or that are bad for you, is amazing. I wish I had that self control, but I don’t. That’s one of the things I love most about you. You just be yourself and don’t care what others think about you,” he told me.
“Ah, my Paulie, that’s so sweet,” I said touching his cheek, “Do you really mean it?”
“Yes,” Paul replied.
“Ohhhhh,” I said again and Paul sighed. He knew I was too high to really be paying attention anymore. The extent of our conversation was as long as I was going to last for now.
“Come on, let’s get out of here,” he said.
“Where are we going?”
“Home,”
“Ahhh,” I started.
“No, don’t ahh me. We’re leaving,” He said beginning to move. He looked back at John, “Keys please?”
“Yeah, fine, just be careful,” John said tossing him his keys. Paul and I walked out of the house and out into the fresh air.
“Ah, this fresh air feels good on my skin,” I said closing my eyes and tripping over myself. Once again Paul caught me.
“Be careful love, please,” he said as I giggled.
“Sorry,” I said still laughing. We made it to John’s car and Paul helped me in. He shut my door and hopped into the driver’s seat, turned the ignition, and drove off.
“Paulie, are you mad at me?” I asked him. He turned to look at me.
“No, I’m not mad at you. I’m still a bit disappointed in you but mad at me self,” he said.
“Why are you mad at Paul?” I asked. He looked over at me again making a rather guilty-looking-feel-bad face.
“Because I led you to doing this. We should never have gone to this party,” he said. I didn’t reply because I started feeling a bit woozy. It was a 20 minute drive home and when we were about 10 minutes away I was beginning to feel a little more like myself, but a little less up to par.
“Paul,” I said.
“Yeah?”
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I told him, holding onto my stomach. He turned to look at me.
“Yeah, I think you are too,” he said, “We’re almost home, though,” he told me taking my hand. I smiled and held onto him back.
“Paul I’m so sorry,” I said and as much as I was feeling normal, I was still emotional from the joint so I began crying. Paul squeezed my hand.
“I know, love, I know,”
“No really, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking! I hate marijuana and I normally don’t give in to peer pressure….and all those horrible things I said and made you feel? I don’t think you’re a piece of shit, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me…I love you….” I said through tears.
“Darling, please don’t cry—I hate seeing you cry. It’s alright, I believe you,” he said his eyebrows creased with sadness, “I should never have said what I said back to you. I didn’t mean half of them anyway,” he said frowning at himself. I shook my head.
“No it’s not alright. Paul, I’m so sor-” and that’s when it happened. Right in mid sentence I threw up all over John’s seat, floor, and my dress. This of course made me cry even more although it did make me feel quite a bit better. I was bent over, head in my knees, crying. My hair and everything in what I had just thrown up. But at this point I didn’t care. I was so disappointed in myself for doing what I did and saying all the things I said to Paul. I let pressure get the best of me, which very rarely happened, and to boot, I was feeling like crap and most of all, Paul was disappointed in me. That was the worst. He rubbed my back as I cried and finally we were home. He helped me out of the car.
“Paul I’m sorry,” I said again, “Tell John I’m so sorry. He’s going to be so mad!”
“No love, he won’t. You’re fine, everything is alright,” he said, “Cor, you’ve had quite the night,” he said softly and I turned back towards the car.
“I need to clean it up Paul, I can’t leave it like that,” I said. He grabbed onto me and pulled me back to him, leading me into the house.
“We’ll clean it later,” he said, “Let’s go get you cleaned up,” he led me upstairs and into our bathroom.
“Paul,”
“Yeah?”
“I love you so much,” I said my eyes red from tears and pot. Paul smiled and touched my face, moving my plastered hair away.
“I love you more than anything,” he replied and I smiled.
“If I didn’t just puke, I’d kiss you right now,” I said and he laughed.
“Change out of that and hop into the shower,” he told me.
“Will you come in with me?” I asked and again he smiled.
“Yeah,” he said. I got out of my nicely covered dress and Paul stripped down. We hopped in the shower and I got myself all clean. As we got out, I wrapped a towel around myself not having anything else. Paul did the same.
“Ugh, I’m going to brush my teeth,” I said grabbing my tooth brush and piled on the toothpaste. Paul laughed.
“Alright, I’m going to put your clothes downstairs. I’ll be back,” he said. I smiled and touched his arm lightly. He turned to face me.
“You don’t have to touch those, I can do it when I’m done,” I said with toothpaste in my mouth. Paul came over to me and kissed my cheek.
“I’ll do it. I don’t mind. I’ve yakked all over me self before,” he said picking up my clothes.
“I love you,” I said again and he smiled.
“I love you too. I’ll be back,” I nodded and he left the bathroom. I finished brushing my teeth and I felt ten times better, except for the fact that Paul was still disappointed in me, not to mention myself. I was changing into my nightie just as Paul walked in. After slipping it on, I got under the covers and Paul, taking off his towel, joined me. He put his arms around me and brought me against him.
“Paul I really am sorry. I hate that you are disappointed in me,” I told him.
“I’m madder at myself. I led you to it,” he said. I looked up at him.
“No you didn’t. I led myself to it. I thought that you secretly wished I was more like you and less of a good girl, and I was jealous of all the girls approaching you and touching you, so I convinced myself to get high was what I needed. It was me, not you,”
“Love, like I told you before. I love how you are a ‘good girl’, if that’s how you want to phrase it. I really wish I was more like you. I hate the fact that I smoke pot and cigarettes, and am addicted to it; the last thing I want is for you to become that way too. It’s a horrible addiction love, it really is. You’ve seen how long it’s taking me to quit and you know that and I don’t want you involved. I’m sorry you have to live with me doing it,” Paul said. I turned and laid on my stomach, the majority of my body on Paul. He wrapped his arms around me and I kissed him, on the mouth.
“Don’t be sorry. Don’t let what I said get to you. I didn’t mean it and I love you anyway. Plus, I know that you don’t like the fact that you do it. But it’s alright,” I said kissing him again and a genuine smile came to his face. I laughed, “I’m just glad to know that you don’t want me like that because after tonight--I’m never doing it again,” I said and Paul laughed a little.
“Good, I want you to continuing being my good girl. I like how you put me in my place and watch out for me. I don’t do it enough for me self,”
“You’re not still mad at yourself are you?” I asked him. He shrugged.
“Ah, maybe a little; but that’s my problem. Don’t worry about it. From now on, you aren’t going to parties like that. Others are fine, but not that kind. I don’t like you being around that stuff anyway, I never have, but I always wanted you with me so I brought you along. No more,” he said. I smiled.
“I love being with you, but I agree. I’m going to pass on those. It’s just not for me, I’ve tried,”
“You’re such a good sport about everything,” Paul said kissing me again, “I won’t be going very much, it’ll be like normal again, so we won’t be apart very often,”
“Good,” I said and we kissed once more, “Are you still mad at me? I’m never going to do it again, trust me,” I said making my eyes big and Paul laughed.
“No I’m not mad at you, never was. Not disappointed either. I know it wasn’t you and I know that you must feel horrible,” I nodded, “However, I am a little ticked at John. He shouldn’t have let you have it,”
“Yeah, I’m surprised he did actually,” I said.
“I’ll just have to have a little chat with him,”
“Just don’t hit him this time okay?” I asked and Paul laughed.
“Alright love, I promise I won’t hit him. But he did deserve it last time, you know, he really did.”
“I know,” I said yawning. With that Paul and I fell right asleep.

Onto Chapter 27