Chapter 38

Paul and I didn’t get long to enjoy and soak in our new life, because as we were married three days before Paul’s 27th birthday, he had to rush off to Los Angeles the day after, for business purposes.
“Why are you leaving again?” I asked him as he packed.
“I’m going to address the Capitol Records Sales at a conference, you know, they’re the American Distributors of Apple records,”
“It’s strange that the others aren’t attending,” I said.
“Well, the reason the others aren’t going, is because they only need one of us, and I was pretty much out-voted to be the one to go--they think I’m the best for it,” Paul answered rolling his eyes. I smiled.
“I suppose that makes sense, you are the PR-man,” I laughed and he smiled.
“Yes, well,” he said zipping his suitcase shut and looking at his watch, “Unfortunately, it’s about time the PR-man gets off to the airport,” I frowned-making him laugh and walk towards me giving me a hug.
“Ah love, I hate when you make that face…I wish I didn’t have to go—believe me,”
“I know,” I sighed, “It’s only six days I guess,”
“Six days too long,” he responded.
“It’ll go fast—you’ll be busy and I’ve got plans with the girls,”
“Yeah, plus, I’ll call you every night,” he smiled, “And of course if you need anything, you can call…I’ll give you the number once I get there,”
“I will, don’t worry. You’re going to be late!” I laughed although inside I felt pain. I had been feeling pain, as if I was having my period for quite some time now—including some slight bleeding. It began a few days before Paul and I got married, and only worsened since the incident with the fans. I hadn’t told Paul about any of it, because I didn’t want him to get worried over nothing—it was probably just symptoms of the pregnancy—to add, I had a doctors appointment the next day and figured I would know then.
“You’re right,” he said turning and grabbing his suitcase. He turned back to me and kissed me quick, “I love you, and don’t work yourself too hard while I’m gone,”
“I won’t, you have a good time,” I told him. He smiled, kissed me one last time, and left. I sighed not knowing what to do now. I ended up going downtown, just to shop around. I didn’t really have anything in mind, but I didn’t want to just sit at home. I found a few little knick knacks, and after an hour or to, returned home. I got sleepy early so I just headed off to bed. Paul wasn’t to arrive in Los Angeles until, 11am there time and 6pm ours, so I didn’t get a call from him that night.

My doctor’s appointment the next day wasn’t until two, so I let myself sleep in. The pains were gone, but there was a bit of bleeding when I went to the bathroom. It worried me slightly, but again I didn’t dwell too much on it. I went downstairs to get some breakfast, eating it outside in our garden. I heard the phone ring behind me and I went inside to grab it.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Uh, hello?” a female voice answered.
“Hello,” I replied. There was a little pause,
“Um, is this Paul McCartney’s house?” she asked softly.
“Who is this?” I asked her.
“Um, my name is Megan,” she said—that name sounded so familiar. Without answering her I traced through the memories in my mind….Megan, Megan….where did I know that name? “Paul and I met a couple months before the New Years of 1965….” She seemed to read my thoughts. My mind locked in on the memory—that’s it! She was the red headed girl he brought to the party because he didn’t want to be lonely. I remembered asking him them if he was seeing her and he told me he wasn’t sure….I remember hurting terribly.
“Oh yeah, actually, I was there…I remember,” I told her. She laughed quietly.
“Yes, I remember you too…he told me he didn’t want to see me anymore because he loved you,” she said. I had no idea he knew he loved me way back then, and finally knowing it made me smile…ah those good old days.
“Sorry,” I said not knowing what else to say. She laughed again.
“Don’t be sorry, you two are very happy—I’ve seen you on the news, and I knew the way he looked at you that night that he liked you more than he was letting on—which is why I debated three years whether I should do this or not,” she said fading off. I was confused.
“Do what?” I asked her.
“Uh, is Paul there by any chance?” she asked me and I was getting nervous. Why did she want to talk to Paul so much?
“No actually he isn’t—he’s in Los Angeles till the 25th,” I replied, “He’s going to call tonight, so I can give him a message,” I told her more curious than ever.
“Uh,” she quivered, “I suppose that will have to do—and I just want you to know, I don’t want to ruin your marriage or anything, and I don’t expect him to do anything…I just thought he would know,” she rambled on.
“Megan, what on earth are you talking about?” I asked worried. She sighed deeply.
“Paul got me pregnant all those years ago. James, my son, was born July 13, 1965—and is now almost three. I decided after finding out it was Paul’s that I wasn’t going to tell him—like I said, I didn’t want to ruin anything you guys have—but I don’t want James to never know his dad and I thought Paul at least had a right to know….do you understand?” she asked and my mouth hung open in complete shock. Was she for real? Did she really have Paul’s kid? I had always wondered if any of the Beatles, particularly John and Paul, had any illegitimate kids with all the sex they had—however I didn’t think it would really happen.
“Uh,” I choked over my words, “Are you sure it’s Paul’s?”
“Yes…I traced back to when James was conceived and it was the few months I was hanging out with Paul—we had slept together only twice, but you know, that’s all it takes,” I couldn’t believe this. I was pregnant with what I thought was Paul’s first kid, and he already had a three year old! I didn’t know how to react.
“Well, um, I’ll give Paul the message, but I think I need to go—I really have to think about this,” I said shaking my head.
“I’m so sorry, and I want to strain again I don’t expect him to leave you or do anything for that matter—I just wanted him to know,” she said again.
“Thanks, and I’m sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be, I should be sorry,” she said softly, “Well, I’ll let you go,”
“Alright,”
“Bye,” she said.
“Bye,” I responded and hung up the phone slowly. I still couldn’t soak it in. I couldn’t really get mad at him because he had no idea for one, and most importantly, we weren’t “really” together then, and he was still sleeping with girls—however I was angry—just not at him. Maybe I was just angry because I’ve always hated the way he was, and finally when it came back to bite him, it ended up affecting me too, since I was his wife and have to live with not only knowing he’s slept with probably over 25 girls, and that he now has another kid somewhere else. I looked at the clock and just decided to push it to the far back of my mind and get ready for my doctors appointment, however, it wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped. I got there, somewhat in a disturbed mood (who wouldn’t be after finding that out?) and was not in the mood to sit and wait, let alone have the appointment. The last few have been quick and easy and I only hoped this would be the same.
“Olivia, you can come on back,” Doctor Joyce said with a smile. I plastered a fake one on my face and followed her to the room, “How are we doing today?” she asked. I shrugged.
“Not one of my better days, but we all have those don’t we?” I said making a face. She laughed.
“Yes indeed,” she said, “Have a seat on the table,” I sat and shivered like always—the table couldn’t get any colder, “Everything normal? Any hesitations or questions?” she asked as she put on her glasses and got out some equipment.
“Yeah, actually,” I said, “For quite a few days now I’ve been feeling pains—like cramps. And, well, I’ve also been bleeding like I have my period again, but I haven’t had it in years,” I told her and her face seemed to drop with disappointment, sending my heart in a beating frenzy.
“Hm,” was all she said.
“Is that not normal?” I asked her slowly.
“Truthfully, no it’s not, and it makes me a bit worried,” she said.
“I could tell,” I responded, “What’s going on? Is the baby okay?” I asked quickly.
“Again, honestly I don’t know. These are symptoms of a miscarriage,” she said softly and I grew short of breath as my heart dropped.
“Mis-miscarriage? You said the baby was healthier than ever,” I questioned not understanding.
“I know, and it very well could just be something else—we’ll have to check it. However, I think you should know, that we did find early symptoms of a miscarriage the last time you came in,”
“What?” I asked in shock.
“We noticed last time you were in, that the baby was not implanting it’s self in the womb lining correctly. However, we also established that it’s quite possible the baby would’ve been a premature baby, and it’s possible that since it was premature in it’s stages, that it would be slightly behind on the process—making that not a big hesitation,” she said and I just stared at her trying to process it all, “Are you with me so far? Do you understand?” I nodded.
“Yeah,”
“So, we didn’t want you or Paul to worry about nothing, so we figured we would schedule your next appointment a bit earlier so we could check it out,” she finished than pursed her lips together, “however, the bleeding is not a good sign—that shouldn’t happen no matter what,”
“What now?” I asked almost inaudible.
“We’ll have to check it and see,” she said and I leaned back on the bed as she took out her equipment. I stared at the ceiling not really wanting to know the answer. However, I did get it.
“You can sit up,” she said putting the ultrasound things away. Her voice carried a tone I didn’t like at all. I swallowed.
“Well,” I said softly. She breathed in deep and tears formed in my eyes—this couldn’t be happening.
“I’m sorry Olivia, the baby didn’t survive,” she paused letting me take it in—I did and immediately began crying. She continued, “We’ll give you some medication and keep you until the baby comes out,” she said touching my hand. I closed my eyes as silent tears fell.
“I don’t understand, is there something I did wrong?” I cried opening my eyes, “Don’t I eat enough? Paul always tells me I don’t eat right….so could it have been malnutrition? Didn’t I rest enough? Was I not supposed to have sex?” She squeezed my hands.
“It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. It’s just bad luck; the baby not forming in the womb lining has nothing to do with the mother or the father, it just happens from time to time. And maybe there was something else that took the last toll, but,” she shrugged.
“What do you mean?” I asked still crying, but not quite as much.
“It’s obvious that the baby didn’t implant correctly, but we were almost sure everything was going to be fine. It almost makes me think that something else happened since then, that was all it needed to not continue correctly,”
“What kind of things?”
“Well, did you fight at all? Did someone kick you or give any blows to your stomach? Did you take medication your not suppose to? Do you take drugs? Things like that can also cause miscarriages,” she explained. It thought about the questions and suddenly got angry.
“Paul does drugs…” I said. She smiled slightly.
“Oh, we all know that…we saw his interview,” I had to laugh a little at that, “However, the baby would’ve been affected before now if it was his sperm. Does anything else sound right?” she asked confused.
“Actually, one other is true,” I said, “The day of our wedding I got attacked by fans—they hit me, spit on me—and kicked me,” she nodded.
“It was probably that then,” she said quietly, “I’m so sorry. I’ll let you be for a bit while I go get the medicine for you,” I nodded as tears fell again and I wiped my nose. She left the room and I just sat there crying silently to myself. When Paul asked me if I was kicked in the stomach, I chose not to tell him I was because I didn’t think it was hard enough to do anything. Paul. How was I going to tell Paul that we weren’t having a baby because it—died. When was I going to tell him? I didn’t want to ruin his whole trip by telling him tonight, but he might be offended if I didn’t tell him right away. And what about everyone else? The plans I had with the girls was to go baby shopping, and Aunt Jin? She was so happy….we were all so happy and now it wasn’t going to happen. Will Paul and I ever be able to have kids now—does miscarriage always happen? Dr. Joyce returned with a cup of water and some white pills. I swallowed them done, once again wiping away my tears.
“Can I ask you another question?” I sniffed. She turned and smiled genuinely.
“Of course you may dear,” she said touching my hand again. I swallowed.
“Will I still be able to have kids? Is this always going to happen?” She laughed—which was unexpected.
“Of course you can! It has nothing to do with you—you and Paul are perfectly healthy, there is nothing that caused this other than bad luck. Many women miscarry more than once in their life. Considering the frequency of miscarriage, about 1 in 36 women will have 2 miscarriages due to nothing more than chance. If you and Paul plan on having children,” she said slowly and winking at me because she knew it wasn’t planned. I had to smile, “I’m sure everything will be just fine. Don’t think there is anything wrong, because there isn’t. It’s just chance—really,”
“Thanks, I was worrying,” I said laughing a little.
“I know you were, and don’t,” she said, “Now if you’d like to rest a bit that’s fine, or you can do whatever else you’d like. I have to go to another patient, just a quick check up, but the pills should take about an hour before it allows the baby to come out. And if you feel it, just go right into that bathroom, okay?” she asked.
“Okay, thanks again,” I said. She nodded and left. I just laid back on the bed and waited. She did make a good point about if there is a next baby. At least the upside to this is hopefully there won’t be another accident and Paul and I can actually plan on having a baby—nevertheless this was very sad. An hour passed faster than I anticipated, and after a lot of bleeding and crying, I was free the baby. I chose not to look at it, because I knew it would only be harder to deal with. The more I thought about what she said the more I started understanding that it happens to the best of us-women. It wasn’t me or Paul, it was chance. And in all reality it was only 3 ½ months and I never got to really know it. As much as I tried to tell myself that I didn’t even know the baby, I was still completely devastated. However, knowing I’m okay to have future kids with Paul made it a little better to deal with. Dr. Joyce came in one last time to check up and say her apologies. She let me know that I would bleed like I have my period for the next 7-10 days and that it was completely normal. Other than that she told me she couldn’t wait for Paul and me to try again because I was such a nice patient. I thanked her again and drove silently home, remembering the earlier events of this day. Well, now Paul only has one kid, and it’s with some other girl--not me—this day officially sucked.

After I got home I took a little nap because all the crying gave me a headache and made my eyes heavy. I woke up to the phone and when I glanced at the clock reading 6:30pm, I knew it had to be Paul.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Were you sleeping?” Paul asked.
“Hm, just taking a nap. Did you just get in?” I yawned.
“Yeah—just got to the hotel. How are you?” he asked the dreaded question in which I didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t know, I’ve had better days,” I said.
“What? What’s the matter?” he asked sympathetically.
“Well, I had a little surprise today,” I started.
“What’s that?”
“I got a call from Megan—you remember her?”
“Megan…no, sorry love. Was she a friend of yours?” he asked, feeling bad that he didn’t remember if she was. I had to laugh at how wrong he was.
“No, she’s actually a girl you slept with way back when,”
“What? A girl that I slept with? What makes you think that?”
“Because I remember her and she told me,” I answered.
“You need to tell me again what you’re talking about because I don’t understand—a girl that I slept with a long time ago called…the house?”
“Yes, she was the nice little red head you brought to the 1965 New Year’s Party. It made me sad because when I asked you if you were dating her, you said you didn’t know….remember now?” I asked and he groaned.
“Yeah….how did she get our number?” he asked, “Wait, no, what the hell did she want?”
“Well, she said that she’d been debating for years whether she should tell you or not,”
“Tell me what?”
“You got her pregnant,” I said bluntly, getting somewhat angry again—not at him though mind you—at his actions.
“I got her pregnant? That’s bullshit,” he said.
“That’s just what she said. I guess he, James, was born July 13, 1965—and when you trace it back nine months, that makes it October, in which she said she was seeing you, and you two slept together twice or something,” I said making a face because I hated thinking of him sleeping with other girls, even if it was him back then. He laughed.
“I tell you love that’s bullshit—it’s not true,” he answered, and I was shocked by his laughter.
“And why do think that?” I challenged him, “It’s very possible the way you used to have sex all the time…you’ve had sex with over 30 girls….”
“Uh, yes, that is true,” he said hesitantly, “Wait a minute, I have not had sex with that many girls.” He argued.
“Yeah right,” I replied.
“I haven’t…a lot yes, but not that many,”
“Whatever, I don’t want to talk about that…it’s over with,” I said.
“Yes it is, and although I’ve slept with many girls,” he said in that voice that told me he hated talking about it as much as I hated it, “but the thing is, I never slept with her!”
“What?”
“Yeah, I can’t believe you don’t remember!” he laughed, “You asked me if we were dating and I said not really, it was only my second time seeing her. So for one, if she’s correct it means the only two times I saw her, we had sex—which didn’t happen. Secondly, when you said something along the lines of ‘you’re going to sleep with her?’, I told you no, I just brought her to dance with and I’d probably never see her again. That was a horrible night, you should remember,”
“I do remember that whole thing now,” I agreed, “But it was only horrible for me—you had your little company,” I said and Paul laughed.
“Yes, but see—I told her that night that if she thought something was going to happen between us that she was wrong because I was in love with you,” he told me and I had to smile now.
“She told me that— I didn’t know you loved me way back then,” I said sweetly and he chuckled.
“Oh, I loved you before that, darling,” he said, “But anyway, as you argued nothing bad happened to me that night….” He continued.
“Yeah, how is that bad?”
“That wasn’t. It was when I got to walk in on you and Davy going at it,” I cringed, “That love, was bad,” Paul finished.
“Oh yes…..I forgot about that….”
“And let’s forget again, shall we?”
“Alright,” I agreed, “So you think she’s lying then?”
“Yeah, she’s full of shit. Honestly, I’ve had girls do this before. I don’t really want to tell you this, cuz I’m kinda ashamed, but, I’ve had to take about 10 DNA testings for girls who say their children are also mine—just because I don’t remember half the girls I slept with and knew it was very possible,”
“Yikes, yeah, I didn’t really want to know that either,” I said and he laughed.
“Sorry—let’s just pretend I didn’t tell you?”
“I’ll try,” I smiled.
“So, how was your appointment today? Everything good?” he asked and I didn’t answer, because I didn’t know what to say, “Olivia? Are you still there?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Well? Everything alright?” he asked again. Tears formed as I tried to lie.
“Yeah, everything’s great,”
“Are you sure? You’re voice is quivering?” Paul asked concerned. I covered my mouth with my hand and took a deep breath.
“There is something, but I’m not going to tell you until you get back,” I said.
“No, love, I want to know. What is it? Is the baby alright? Are you alright?” More tears flowed down my cheeks.
“Paul, I don’t want to tell you now,” I argued.
“Olivia, please tell me,” he said both firmly and pleading, “if you don’t, I’ll be worried the whole time I’m here,”
“You’ll be worse if I tell you,” I said which was probably the wrong thing to say.
“What are you talking about?! Olivia, you’re really scaring me! What happened? Are you and the baby alright?!” he asked completely out of sorts. I didn’t fight it anymore.
“We aren’t having a baby Paul,” I said quietly. There was silence on the other line, “Paul?”
“What do you-what? I don’t understand,” he said flustered.
“The baby-,” I stopped, squeezing my eyes together, “The baby died Paul. I had a miscarriage,” I cried softly and heard Paul let out a defeated breath.
“A miscarriage? How? I thought everything was fine, they said everything was fine!” he said getting worked up and I could hear the quiver start in his voice.
“Apparently, the baby didn’t implant into the womb lining correctly—they noticed it last time but they thought it was going to be a preemie and so it was normal for the baby to be behind on the steps. They weren’t worried at all,”
“So, what happened? They were obviously wrong,”
“I know and I asked them if it was something I did and she said that many women have up to two miscarriages before actually giving birth, and it’s just the cause of chance—nothing more. She said we were both healthy and it had no effect whatsoever from us and to have another baby would be perfectly fine and I probably wouldn’t have a miscarriage, however,” I stopped and got a hold of myself a bit.
“However?” Paul asked quietly.
“However, she thinks that something else happened to cause the baby not to continue correctly and fix itself, as they were almost positive was going to happen. She listed off a number of things that could’ve just topped it off, and one of them was it,” I said knowing Paul was going to be angry when he knew.
“What was it?” he asked curious.
“She said that if I had been kicked or taken any blows into the stomach, that could cause a miscarriage in itself, so if that happened in addition to what was going on, that it is probably what killed the baby,” Paul was silent for a moment,
“Are you saying that those bloody birds and there f*cking jealous fantasies killed our baby?” he said and I could hear the anger in his voice. I swallowed.
“I think so,” I responded softly, “Whether it would’ve happened anyway I don’t know, but I think that’s what finished it off.”
“No, I bet the baby would’ve been fine if it weren’t for those damn girls!” he said, “Hell!”
“Paul getting mad isn’t going to help anything,” I tried to explain.
“Yes, but I am nevertheless,” he said and he voice softened, “I loved the baby already and was so happy….”
“I know, I was too,” I agreed.
“But at least we can plan the next one,” I said trying to bring humor into the situation. I heard Paul laugh silently on the other line.
“I can’t believe it, why us?” he asked quivering again. I shrugged.
“I don’t know, I’m wondering the same thing,”
“Good thing we didn’t tell any family,” he said, “That would’ve made it harder,”
“Yes, but we have Aunt Jin, your brother and all our friends,” I said sniffing as the tears came back.
“Love, I think I’m going to skip the conference,” Paul said suddenly.
“What? No Paul,”
“How am I supposed to continue? I’m hurting inside for myself and for you, and knowing you have to go through this on your own? I’m coming home tonight; I’ll find a flight,”
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you,”
“It’s fine sweetheart, I’m glad you did. I’d feel horrible knowing you were going through this while I was fine down here. I want to come home and be with you—one of the other guys can go, I’ll call them up,” he said.
“Paul-” I started.
“Shh, don’t try and argue, or I’ll just tell you you’re right and come home anyway. It’s pointless,”
“I suppose,” I said knowing how stubborn he was. And truthfully, I didn’t want him here with me.
“I have to go then and call the guys and arrange a flight, but I should be home tonight. Alright love?”
“Sure,” I said.
“I love you so much,” he said.
“I love you too,”
“See you later,”
“Um hm, bye,” I said and hung up. I decided to save the last bit of tears for when Paul was here and he could hold me, so I just forced my mind to think of other things as I fell asleep. I felt slight movement that woke me up a second time, this time the room was dark and the clock read 3:30am. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I could see Paul climbing into bed.
“You took long enough,” I whispered and he laughed, pulling me towards him and kissing my forehead.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s alright, you’re here now,” I said nuzzling against him, “Who’s going down there then?”
“John, he objected, but then I told him why. He was horrified and quickly gave his apologies,” Paul answered.
“So if John know, the others know then right?” I asked and I heard Paul laugh.
“You know it,”
“So, I just have to call Brittany and then, we have to figure out how to tell your Aunt Jin and Mike,” I said. I felt Paul nod.
“Cor this is horrible, I still don’t believe it,” he said.
“Me neither, but as I was thinking earlier—the more I realize that it was just chance and although I was so happy and already loved him or her, the easier it is to cope with, you know? I mean, I’m not barren and there isn’t something wrong with me—we’ll be able to have a baby when the time is right,” I said.
“You’re very right,” Paul said, “Things will get better, I know it. And like you said, now we can actually plan it when we’re really ready,”
“That is one of the good sides of it,” I said laughing a little. Paul and I just cuddled together falling asleep. The next day Paul called whoever it is he calls to get DNA testings and such, and then got a hold of Megan. They took DNA tests they had from her birth and Paul’s, and he was right. The baby was not his—making me incredibly happy. Next Paul and I went over to his family’s house where we broke the news. Jim was surprised to know I was pregnant in the first place and they all felt our pain when they learned that it would no longer be happening. As a result however, Paul apparently had a nice little chat from his dad warning his to be ready next time and to plan it. He wasn’t too happy to learn that it was an accident. We stayed for dinner, which was nice. We all had a grand time and forgot all about the miscarriage, which is exactly what I was aiming for. Afterwards, although we returned late, it was still early in Malibu, so I decided to call the gang and tell them the news. They too, said there apologizes and couldn’t believe it. Pattie, Cyn, and I had plans of baby shopping the next day and after they heard they offered to cancel. I declined the cancel and we went out shopping regularly, because on another good side, I would be staying this size for quite a while again. Paul, not wanting to be alone or hang with the others, asked to join—so he accompanied us on our ‘girls’ day out’. As funny as it was, and as bored as I knew he was at times, we all had a good time and he helped me pick out a few outfits. The days went by and Paul and I had finally accepted the miscarriage and moved on. John returned from Los Angeles and things went back to normal, and the Beatles began the final recordings of their double album entitled ‘The Beatles White Album’.

Onto Chapter 39